Words By: EbenGregory

You get your nails done. You like avocado facials. You own scented lotion. You refer to your barber as a stylist. You wear all white the first day of spring as a tradition. You jive confuse people with your sexuality. You watch HGTV 24-7. You don't mind watching the Wedding channel even though your not getting married. You have more facial products than your ladyfriend. You plan on getting lip augmentation. You drive a X-5. You get your back waxed, but don't have any hair. You love to cook exotic dishes to impress people. You wear sandals with crushed linen slacks in the summer. You work on your physique at a fitness club (not a gym). You cry when arguing with your ladyfriend. You wear a seer-sucker cowl from J Crew. You TIVO all the Sex and the City episodes. You use a loofah. You refer to your wardrobe as "couture.” You have an affinity for Rick Astley's music. You own a bottle of Kiehl's moisturizer. You can explain the difference between how Chardonnays differ

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from Cabernets (and which goes with beef). You like to rollerblade. You can name several of the French impressionists including Chet Baker, Fellini, Cary Grant, and The Great Gatsby. You like to spend Saturday mornings café hopping. You get your eyebrows done. You smell …fresh. You retain water easy. You put on cologne to go to the gym. You like to cook s almon and dill terrine followed by wild mushroom and truffle oil risotto - and a crème brulee to finish . You s hower with exfoliating salt scrub for 20 minutes. You don a sarong from time to time. Your girlfriend always complains about how you make her late. You like ordering a grande two-pump sugar free vanilla, nonfat, 165 degree, easy foam latte from Starbucks. You spend time color coordinating all of your outfits. You prefer wheat germ moistures as opposed to aloe vera. You consider yourself high maintenance. Your favorite pick-up line is, “ I've just had a new designer kitchen installed. How about I cook you dinner… and you cook me breakfast.” You wear make-up on the low. You keep fit by p racticing pilates. You never have a bad hair day. You wear thong boxers. You buy your shampoo at a salon instead of a grocery store. You have a heightened aesthetic sense. You hosted a Botox party for your birthday. You have an Armani Exchange or Banana Republic credit card. You read horoscopes, closely followed by the Style section. You are a man who seems stereotypically gay except when it comes to your sexual orientation. You are like male vanity products and herpes; you're pretty much everywhere. Plus, you are taking the time to read this commentary.

My game just rewinds…